The tradition of Sad Christmas is the slow result of years and years of failed plans. We will attempt to establish a timeline in order to give clarity to the origins of this shady holiday event.

Summer 1997 – Bucket of Chicken (First was Best or False Promise)
One pleasant day towards the end of their high school career, Tinsel and Mistletoe planned and executed a plan both brilliant and elegant:

  1. Buy a bucket of fried chicken
  2. Take it to an outdoor venue with lots of pedestrians
  3. Eat the fried chicken

As it turns out, having an excess of chicken in the midst of a bunch of people provides opportunities to engender goodwill through sharing. On a beautiful summer evening they made new friends and even enjoyed the company of some pretty girls who shared their chicken. At the time, it was a mildly pleasant few hours. They would be unable to hatch a plan as successful for over a decade.


New Year’s Eve 2008 – The Tipping Point
After years of mediocre New Years spent in their hometown with their lovable but predictable high school friends, Tinsel and Mistletoe made a pact to make this year’s holiday one to remember. One of Mistletoe’s coworkers offered him the use of her husband’s 12th floor apartment near Dupont Circle in Washington, D.C. It was a two bedroom penthouse with a balcony and a saltwater fish tank. The worm has finally turned for us, they thought. Tinsel and Mistletoe developed a plan based on their stereotypes of the Washington area and of women. They decided they would dress up, hit the local bars, find sexy, older women, and invite them back to their new bachelor pad. Surely, they thought, this cougar hunt will end with us bagging marvelous pre-menopausal trophies.

However, the night did not proceed as planned. After hours of aimless wandering through the cold streets of our nation’s capital, finding only clubs with $100 cover fees and empty hotel bars, our two sad heroes rang in the new year in a small dive bar filled only with couples and lukewarm chicken fingers. The next day, they returned home awash in their own failure.

But they learned a valuable lesson. After reflecting on a night that promised so much but delivered only frustration, Tinsel and Mistletoe realized that their mistake was setting their holiday hopes too high. They would not make the same mistake again.