the Proprietors

The Saddest Christmas is a labor of love administered by two Proprietors who act as equal partners in Yuletide sadness, general debauchery, and the assignation of  movie rights. Mistletoe Pudding and Tinsel Wonderland became friends in middle school, around the same time that Tinsel severely burned his face when misusing hobby model rockets on a Sunday just before Christmas vacation. Tinsel’s injuries forced him to miss a presentation in Social Studies that he and Mistletoe were supposed to give together.

As a result, Mistletoe Pudding had to go it alone and describe to his 7th grade fellows how, had they been in charge of the Confederate Army during the Civil War, Mistletoe and Tinsel would have won the war between the states by: 1) recruiting more Confederate troops; 2) making use of hot air balloons to bomb Union troops; 3) making the Confederate capital Tallahasse; and, 4) not losing those cigars at Antietam Creek.

Mistletoe Pudding and Tinsel Wonderland have been friends ever since. Additional biographical information on each Proprietor follows:

Mistletoe Pudding

Mistletoe Pudding grew up in a house with three Christmas trees. Young Mistletoe always looked forward to the Yuletide season and its accompanying break from school but was more affected by the melancholy following the holidays. After a week of playing with his new G.I. Joes and Legos, he was left knowing he would now have to grapple with the bleakness of the upcoming months’ short days and cold nights.

Years later, Mistletoe would marry just before Christmas and was given dozens of holiday decorations and trinkets by family and friends who did not know how to read a gift registry. Two years later, after getting divorced and selling his house, he took them all to the landfill in three large footlockers – including the ex-Mrs. Pudding’s childhood stocking. He has never regretted this.

Three years ago Mama Pudding gave her son a magnetic nativity scene in spite of his protests that he had no space to store it. It remains on his refrigerator all year long.

Mistletoe lives in a medium-sized South Eastern city where he can see seven Christmas trees in neighboring apartment buildings from his bedroom window.

Tinsel Wonderland

As a child Tinsel Wonderland spent each Christmas in a car, traveling between the homes of his divorced parents. The fun of two Christmases, while it did result in a lot of loot, wasn’t satisfying. Young Tinsel learned that, far from a season of unity, Christmas is the time of year when we divide our time, attention, and love, and distribute it willy-nilly amongst everyone who wants a piece of us, not because we want to, but because that is the obligation of the season.

As a young adult Tinsel worked in a government office that was primarily focused on locating Iraqi civilians to drop bombs on. Working in the cubicle next to Tinsel was an old man named Ernie, whose long white beard, prodigious gut, and proclivity to wear suspenders gave him a striking, year-round resemblance to St. Nicholas. Ernie (a.k.a. War Santa) frequently fell asleep on the job, leading Tinsel to wonder almost daily if the man had finally suffered the massive heart trauma that he so deserved.

More recently, Tinsel has learned that Christmas is the season when your parents feel comfortable obligated to pry into your personal life to inquire when you will marry and spawn a herd of elves.

Tinsel lives a life of self-imposed social exile near the pinnacle of an obscure mountain within a vast South Eastern wilderness. On that particular mountain the Christmas trees are free for anybody who can carry a saw into the woods, and nobody complains when you hurl an empty liquor bottle into the crisp winter night from your back deck.

Contact Mistletoe and Tinsel at: thesaddestchristmas [at-sign] gmail [period] com